The Away Mission
by King Vegeta
Summary: Some redshirts meet certain doom, and Kirk tries to charm some female Ensigns.


The Away Mission  
  
Captain Kirk sat on the Bridge of the USS Enterprise, eying the young female Ensign at the station in the corner. "God I love those Starfleet regulation skirts...", he thought to himself. The girl, being a telepath, slapped him on her way off the Bridge.  
  
"Captain, we are receiving a distress signal from the old nuclear facility on Zarbos 4.", says Commander Spock.  
  
"What...are...they saying?", Kirk answers in his usual spaced-out manner.  
  
"They are in serious danger of a meltdown, and the giant rat-creatures have migrated from the northern continent and are nesting near the facility.", Spock replied.  
  
"We...will...send...an...Away Team...to assist...them!", Kirk exclaims.  
  
"Who will be on this Away Team, Captain?"  
  
"Mr. Spock...take Bones...Scotty...Chekov...and...those two...Ensigns. You know...the...ones...with...red...shirts.  
  
The two Ensigns gulp in fear. Spock, Chekov, and the Ensigns went off to the transporter room to meet Bones and Scotty. Then the Away Team beamed down to the surface...right in front of a 9-foot tall tall rat. The Ensigns shrieked in terror.  
  
"Do not make any sudden movements.", Spock said.  
  
One of the redshirted Ensigns froze with fear...he couldn't move if he wanted to. The other one made a break for it. The rat chased after him. The Ensign looked back, screamed, and ran faster. The rat began to gain ground on him. The Away Team watched him run until he wore out, lost all bladder control and was gruesomely ripped limb from limb and devoured. The Away Team smartly used this opportunity to sneak away and enter the nuclear facility.  
  
"This way.", Spock says as he points to a corridor.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, on the Bridge of the Enterprise...Kirk edges his way up to a young female Ensign.   
  
"Why...hello...there.", he says with a wink.  
  
"I'm 17.", she instinctively replies. Kirk jumps back so fast he almost throws out his back.  
  
"Uhura! Get...me...a...bagel!", he yells as he straightens his toupee.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Back on the planet...  
  
The remaining Ensign wanders into a large room with a biohazard symbol on the door. The door closes behind him and the computer begins to talk.  
  
"MELTDOWN IMMINENT! ROOM HAS BEEN SEALED", the computer says.  
  
"Scotty, Spock...I'm in the control room...what do I do?", the redshirt screams into his communicator. There is no reply. He then realizes he is yelling into his wallet. He takes out the real communicator and repeats the message. Scotty replies.  
  
"Get to the main control panel!", Scotty yells.  
  
"Okay, I'm there."  
  
"Open it up, laddy."  
  
"It's open."  
  
"Good, now find the Dx2627i circuit relay divider!"  
  
"The Dx-circi-wha?"  
  
"The big chip with Dx2627i printed on it!"  
  
"Still don't see it!"  
  
"NUCLEAR CORE MELTDOWN IN 10 MINUTES", the computer says.  
  
"Argh, laddy, it's the big black rectangle with green wires attached!"  
  
"Found it!"  
  
"Good...now take it out..."  
  
The Ensign reaches for it and gets a giant shock.  
  
"...but make sure to disconnect the wires first, laddy."  
  
"Now you tell me. What do I do next?"  
  
"Find the Regulatory Plasma Flow Conductor Relay--...er, the big shiny red switch!"  
  
"The one with the skull and crossbones?"  
  
"NO! The other one! Turn it to the OFF position."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"MELTDOWN ABORTED. CORE BREACH CONTAINED.", says the computer.  
  
The doors open once again, and the redshirted Ensign sighs of relief. He runs out of the room, eager to rejoin the Away Team and quite possibly be the first redshirt to ever survive an Away Mission on the starship Enterprise.   
  
"I saved this facility all by myself.", the Ensign said proudly as he walked right into an open turbolift shaft.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"I wonder where that Ensign ran off to...", Bones said as the Away Team Boarded the turbolift.  
  
They rode the elevator down to the first floor, where they heard a crunch, a loud scream, and then silence.  
  
"Another mystery solved.", Chekov said jokingly.  
  
"He's dead, Jim.", Bones said.  
  
"That Captain is not here...", said Spock.  
  
"Force of habit. Come on...let's get out of here before the rats regroup."  
  
Once again, another planet has been saved by the valiant efforts of the Enterprise crew and the countless redshirts that have been sent to their deaths. Starfleet has already assigned several more redshirted Ensigns to the ship in preparation for their next mission: Negotiating with the Carnivorous Gorilla-People of Argos 8.


End file.
